"I want to be black and white. Can I?" Off Colour

Dear Colour, That's an interesting question. It's nice to meet someone who is unbiased and seeks the middle ground. It's a good thing to see the world in shades of gray. Unfortunately, most people see things in a black and white that's not gray. We hope you, too, are not seeking to be the black and white that most people see things in. Wait a minute. By any chance, are you seeking to be a zebra? We think a zebra is a most balanced animal. A trifle showy, but very balanced. We have no issues with people who want to be zebras. Actually, we have no issues with anyone. It's people with issues who have us. Speaking of zebras, when we look down the tubes humanity is heading, we can fully understand why someone might want to make the crossover and be a balanced animal in shades of black and white. Though, we're pretty sure you don't want to be a zebra. We just threw in that thought so you know it's not such a bad option. Anyway, in case you do want to be a zebra, we can hook you up with a switch doctor we know from the Serengeti. His name is Kaka Animal Rights. His speciality is dealing with human wrongs. He deals in the spirits of all the animals humans have so far massacred. He can very easily exchange your inhuman human spirit for that of a humane animal. What you must be careful of, though, is that he has a no-refund policy. So think about it. The option of being an animal that's not part of the rat's race that is humanity might be tempting, but you'll always have ratty humans to contend with. Come to think of it, as a human, too, you have the inhumanity of humanity to contend with. Hmm. Zebra. Not a bad thought. Give it some thought, look left, look right and then cross. That said, we suspect what's really bothering you is the fact that most things look better in black and white. Especially people. In black white, your warts don't show up. In black and white, your flaws look like character. In black and white, all women look like Greta Garbo or Madhubala. In black and white, and with a cigarette dangling from the side of your mouth, any man can so very easily pass of for Humphrey Bogart, Cary Grant or Guru Dutt. Sigh. Why? Ah well, we're reminded of a time long gone by when we were fraternising with a photographer who fornicated with us only when she had her shades of gray on. On the days she wore her normal blue lenses, her judgements about the way we looked were rather coloured. We used to wait for the days she'd put on her black lens for the left eye and white lens for her right eye and see things in sensibly moderate shades of gray. Those were the days she'd call us Humphrey and have sex with us like we were Cary and ask us about Guru over a whisky until it turned sour. Those were the days, my friend. We thought they'd never end. But, they did; the minute she realised we were not much more than a coloured Asian from a developing country somewhere in South Asia. And that she was a blue-eyed, blond-haired, pink-lipped, white skinned lass from a Caucasian beyond we couldn't even dream of aspiring for. Her name was Barbie Fucking Whites and she was a figment of everyone's coloured imagination. What we're trying to say dear fellow is that you cannot have the best of both worlds. You cannot be black and white. If you try to be black and white, you'll end up in neverland. And once you end up in neverland, there's no way back. So don't kid yourself. Colour is the only black. And white is the only colour that's right. Of course, there's always Kaka Animal Rights. His bol-free number is FREESPIRIT-800. He's always open. And then closed. It's your call. Your graying Funcle.