Monday, October 02, 2006

"Why does Bollywood make a song and dance of everything?" Bolly Parton

Dear Bolly Parton, We're tempted to deal with your problem with a song and a dance. We think that would make you forget all your problems. Unfortunately, song and dance is not something we're very good at. Come to think of it, we aren't too good at solving problems, either, but that is not your problem. What we will do is turn your problem over to our falter-ego, the very unreliable boresspondent from Bollywood, Psychobabble Pasha. Take it away, Psycho. Tank ooh, Funcle Dada. Oye Bolly! Psycho Pasha hair. How it is? Want to act in fillums? Come down to Bumbai. We will show you lats of things in fillum city. And you can show us your things in your body city too. (Wink, wink.) Please escoose our pronunciation, but we're not very educated. Only very rich. Rich in Bollywood sesperiences of the unreal kind. So what Pasha says is this, singingly, dancingly and very tunelessly. You have praablems? Don't make a song and dance about it. Just song and dance about it. Song and dance is the perfect formula to ensure people do not make a song and dance about their praablems. If someone is making next to nothing a day, show him a song set in Swisserland. It will take him to Swisserland for five minutes and make him forget the years and years of subsistence living he has to live through. It also makes up for the fact that most people in India cannot go to any beautiful place because they can't bilaadi afford to. If somebody has one too many mouths to feed, show him a marriage movie full of songs and excessive consumption of fatty foods by very fat people. It will salve his food praablem and make him forget his starving family. Another thing about Bollywood, it's part of a very wise culture of denial and not saying anythings in a straightforward manner. We're very decent. So we must show everything without showing. Let me esplain. Instead of showing people lovingly fondling bubbles in the privacy of their homes, we believes in showing people squeezing fruity bubble substitutes like oranges, lemons, round vegetables and, even, watermelons in public places. You know what is bubbles? Boobles, big ones on the chests. Yes, that only. Then, instead of doing the perfectly normal things like waking up on a lovely morning and making love, we believes in showing people waking up and being mind-transported off for minutes and minutes of violent and painful rolling over each other down powder snow hills, rocks, in farms, on haystacks and in other exotic and not-so-exotic locations in fillum city. All in the space of a few minutes. Instead of telling someone exactly why they are unhappy or hurt about something, we will explore the pathos of it all in screechy song and preachy melodiraama. Besides, Bollywood movies and peeples tend to be rather long and winded. So song and dance is the perfect time to dash off to catch your pisser. Yes, yes, cutting out song and dance would cancel the need to introduce piss-breaks, but that would piss people off. And that's why it cannot be done. Arre, this praablem of yours will take very long to esplain and salve. I thinks it is best if you sing and dance for a solution. Bester still, you just take a quick course in heaving and vulgaring and come off to Bumbai. We will show you the stuffs and see if you have the stuffs to song and dance and salve your, and India's, praablems. It is the bestest way. Finally. Oye Funcle Dada, she is songing and dancing! Praablem salved. Where is thee bathroom? Your Psychobawla Funcle.