Saturday, September 30, 2006
"I'm a newspaper. Why do people take me for a dump?" Crap Question
Dear Morning Crap Question, We gather you're a morning paper? Or should that be craper? What to do, dude? Shit happens. Hee. Hee. Never mind the shitty jokes, we know exactly what you mean. Damn, we're good at this crap. We always seem to know what everyone means. Makes us fucking wonder why nobody ever understands what we mean. Anyway, fuck all that crap. Let's deal with your crap. Or, more accurately, other people loading you with their crap. Or, even more crackurately, other people taking you for crap. Or, even further punningly, people dumping their crap on you. Or, bloody personally, you taking us for a dump to deal with your crap. Okay, enough of all that shit. Please don't mind us dumping all these puns on you. Good fucking Lord, We better stop this shit. Okay, okay, so what was your question? Ah yes, why do people take you for a crap? Hmm. We got it. A blast from the past tells us we need to deal with this by going back to the days we spent in the Centre for Digestive Pissorders. Our Master Mistah Smelly Knows used to say "Humans are very anal retentive. They need some stimulating crap to let go of all their crap." Your question makes us ponder anew on that seminal piece of shitvice. And it all goes down like this. People need crap to eject all the crap inside them. They need to take their mind off their own shit to exorcise their own shit. People can let go of their shit only when they get a hold of other people's shit. When people look at shit, it makes them shit in and out of their pants. It's why they consume all the crap you bring them on a daily basis. It's what the Agony Funcle Shrincorporation calls 'The Shitulation Shatalyst Syndrome'. Please note: A competitive school of unthinking calls this same shit we've just dumped on you the 'Observer Effect'. What the fuck is that shit? Well, it's some shit that some physishits have come up with, where observations on happening shit makes shit happen. Shit, we think we must quickly trademark our shit. Who knows, someday, someone might decide to call us a physishit, too. Boy, that's when we'll feel like hot shit...hey, don't go away! We have a little more shit to help you deal with this people shit. The easy way out of the shit you're going through is to go blank. Go blank, and people won't know what the shit you're thinking. They'll have no way of reading you. They'll have nothing to look at and dump on. I repeat, simply, if you hate the crap around you, just chill out and clam up. When you clam up, people will clam up and be forced to go elsewhere with their anal-retentive shit. Now that's what you call cool shit, eh? No fucking shit. Sorry for indulging in all this verbal diarrhea, but you asked for this shit. Your severely funstipated Funcle.