Friday, September 08, 2006

"I want to fly. How's the air up there?" Erica Bong

Dear Bong, Ever heard of the 'Zipless Fuck'? Why? It's the easiest way to get high. And get someone else high. We think it's the first thing you should try and get some of, to get high. There's this lady called Erica Jong. You sound like someone who might like her. You should read her 'Fear of Flying'. It's an interesting book on how to get over it. And over as many as you can lay your hands on. If you can't read, get someone to read it out to you. It's quite the aphrodisiac. And it can get you quite high. It can also drop you like a hot potato. It's a book you should take to heart. And never forget. It's not a book for people who want to fly in a cage. It's about flying out of cages. You sound like someone caged. Though, our experience has taught us that being in a cage can sometimes be the best thing to be in, in this big, big, big world. You ought to try it. In case you find that too flighty, too free and too philosophical for your closed mind, there are other ways we can teach you to fly within the confines of your closed spaces. You can try becoming a 'Flying Model'. It's a very limiting way to get high. No, it's not. It's the most fucking limiting way to soar. A 'Flying Model' is a sad, sad euphemism for an Air Hostess. An Air Hostess is a sad, sad euphemism for in-flight server. An in-flight server is a sad, sad way to make a living while being ogled at by all kinds of people every time you walk past them. Becoming a 'Flying Model' will let you see many places around the world. It will help you plumb the depths of objectifuckation. It will give you a chance to meet important looking men you can try and snare to settle down with later. It's one of the things you must do when you become a 'Flying Model'. You must keep your pretty lashes peeled for prospective males you can settle down with when you're not good looking enough to be a 'Flying Model' or anything else. You must also be prepared to peel those lashes off when you're not good-looking enough to be a 'Flying Model'. Opting to be a 'Flying Model' isn't a bad way to fly, but it is a very sad way to be brought down to earth. That said, it's a very good way to make use of your looks while you still have them. If you're brutally honest about using what you have while you still have it, you might want to consider it. If you're brutally honest about having not much more than what you have to become a 'Flying Model', you might not be hurt by the utter lack of respect that comes with that kind of flight. (If you're not brutally honest, you're sensible and in good company.) If you decide to do it, recognise the hazards of choosing such a way to fly. You might end up being groped by old men you'd rather not be groped by and not be groped by men you wouldn't mind being groped by. Then again, if a woman wants to move up in life in this world, it's an occupational hazard she has to get used to. So you may as well let them do it to you while you're seeing different places and getting high. and in different places. (Instead of, to get high.) You might also have to service the pilot while he's on auto-pilot, which is not very unusual in any professional. Most people in the cockpit are on auto-pilot. Most people in charge of the cockpit expect to be serviced. It does seem like the pits, but every job has its downsides. So go for it. Servicing will serve you well. You might even develop a taste for it. Another way to get a taste of the air up there is to simply light up a bong. Admittedly, it's a momentary high that is quite addictive. It's a high that takes more and more to get repeatedly high. And out of you. It's much like any other thing that gives you a high. The first time is great. The next time might be better. But things never really keep getting better. As with every high in life, getting high is just a way to get down. Incidentally, you may also wish to consider a career in advertising. It may not help you fly, but it's one of the best places to get little highs. There's always a scam ad to be done every incosequential month. It doesn't matter if you spend 99% of your time doing tripe, one pointless ad for a non-existent client done with no pracical constraints whatsoever and only for some piddling award will make you feel on top of your incestuous little world. If none of these useful tips we have given you seem remotely useful to you, we think it's best you work your butt off and expect nothing. Be utterly pessimistic about everything you do. Have no hope in humanity. Think nothing nice about anything. Ensure nothing makes you any happy. If something makes you a tad, bit, minuscule, little, pissant happy, focus on how fucked up everything apart from that happiness is. Disgust yourself with everything in life. Pray for death. Don't expect to be rewarded with, even, death. One day, you will die. It's the surefirest way to be free. After all, isn't that what flight is about? Time to fly. Your grounded Funcle.