Friday, September 29, 2006

"Is sad the new happy?" Sadly Mistaken

Dear Mistaken, You are not mistaken. Sadly. Sadly, sad is the new happy. Happy? You have no business being so. Sadly. You should be sad. And that's the only thing that should make you happy. Why? Silly, because sad is the new happy. Believe it or not, you don't have a question. You have the answer to today's life-changing question. Why is everyone so sad? Why can't we be happy? Isn't there anything to be happy about? Let's look at the evidence on hand. Impartially. Bush is in charge. Sad. Osama lives. Sad. There are no WMDs. Understandably sad. Sport is business. Sad. Jobs suck. Sad. We always have to settle for less than we deserve and so end up with even less than we settle for. Very sad. Maureen Dowd rules. Oprah rules. Fluff rules. Fucking, fucking, fucking very, very, very sad. You are reduced to coming to us with your problems. Pure agony. We're reduced to solving people's problem. Pathetically sad. People think we're here to solve their problems. Foolishly sad. Bollywood rules. Grotesquely sad. We believe the hype. Sad. Swollen heads are the order of the day. Painful. Money talks. Predictably sad. Small mercies are what people have to look for solace in. Sigh. The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer. Yawningly sad. Wayne Rooney is out of form. Metatarsally sad. The Australian cricket team is getting even more arrogant. Let's cry about it over a beer. There will be more channels on TV. There's will be even less to watch. Nothing will ever be original. If it is original, it will not sell. If it does not sell, it's not worth doing. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Boringly sad. Lawyers are more powerful. Free will only be what you might get if you buy something very very overvalued. Diamonds are, still, a girl's best friend. Friends are like diamonds: Overvalued. There will never be another John Lennon. Bob Dylan is doing lingerie ads. The Who are back together again. The Stones will not stop milking their past. Why? Why? Why? Why? Dammit, why? Elvis lives. Eww, that's sad. Indian cricket will continue to look for a replacement for Kapil Dev. Moronically sad. Anil Kumble will keep trying to turn the ball. Soporifically sad. Cricket is the only sport Indians will ever be interested in. Mind-numbingly sad. Indian hockey will always be stuck in the past. Shamefully sad. Religion is God. Somebody else will always make more than you. Enough is never enough. The mind will never be without fear. Hair colour rules. Conversations will become dumber than door knobs. Looks are all people care for. People are getting stupider, daily. The list will go on. And on. And on. Until you die. The end is near. Fortunately. On the basis of all the evidence, we're forced to conclude, sadly, that Sadly, you are mistaken. Sad is not the new happy. The End is the new happy. This is the end, my friend. Be happy. Your happy agony.