Friday, September 29, 2006
"People say money talks. Why doesn't it talk to me?" Blank Account
Dear Blank, It's unfortunate that money has never talked to you. It's quite an experience to see money talk. It's one of the most fluent and, probably, the smoothest languages known to mankind. In fact, money talks even better with the woman of our kind. How do we know all this? From personally inexperiencing the experience of money talking to us. Put fucking simply, and sadly, we know what it's like not to be talked to by money and, if we may add, people with money. And, sometimes, knowing what it's like to be rejected by something is best way of fucking feeling what it's like to be accepted. Now that might not make sense to you, but if you consider how little sense all this talk of money makes to us, it all might make sense to you. Say what? Say this. It's the 'Rejectoff Principle of Experiential Acceptance' at work. Please note, this is not an untrustworthy principle we've fudged up from our fetidly fecund brain. Trust us, and it, it was handed down to us by the Borefather of Principled Living, Thorn Rejectoff. Now fuck that and consider this: No matter how nice we are to money, it refuses to talk to us or, for that matter, speak for us. Over the years, we've tried to communicate with money in many ways. We've tried to reach out to money many a time. We've pursued money with the hunger of a dog pursuing pussy. Incidentally, we've also pursued pussy with the hunger of a man pursuing a bone. Yep, to no avail. As a result, we're inclined to guess money is like pussy. It only talks to a certain kind of pursuer. And that pursuer is not us. It's the pursuer who can make money fucking talk. Are we talking of money or pussy? Same fucking difference. Rest assured, we fully understand what you are trying to because money, pussy and all things related have never spoken to us. Maybe, as the Monetary Mindtist Hardup Poorsky used to say, "You need to play hard to get to get." And so, perhaps you ought to try playing hard to get. Maybe then you will get. Maybe then money will talk to you. Have you ever tried playing hard to get with money? The few times we came close to playing hard to get, it only seemed all very impossible to get. Are we sounding trite, bitter and discouraging? We don't mean to. Go back to the Rejectoff Principle of Experiential Acceptance and misunderstand that it's just our way of trying to be encouraging. Speaking of encouraging things, there is one thing we've never tried, to get money to talk to us. The thing is, we learnt of it only after we had gotten too old to, even, try to try it. You, though, sound like a young fellow hungry enough to try it. Maybe you'll be more open to it. Get yourself a battery-operated, mind-decontrolled money-driver. It's a little something you need to install in your brain. Once you install this money-driver in your brain, it turns you into a dumb, monnunicating object that shuts up, and the mind down, in the face of any money. People say, dumb objects that let money do all the talking are very good at making money talk. We believe it's a rather steep price to pay for a money shot. Then again, we're all talk. Compared to us, it makes a lot more sense to go with money that talks. Besides, no matter what, we'll always talk to you. On the other hand, if you want money to talk, then you know what you gotta shut the fuck up, pay the price and do. Your very broke and broken Funcle.