Saturday, September 02, 2006

"I am Catholic. Find meaning in this." Virgin Meri

Dear Meri Virgin, Teri toh! You, of all people, are asking us this question? You? You are the mother of all that you are. You are the meaning of this. You are the reason for thy etres. You are a miracle that man created in the name of God so that man could create God. You are the mother of all fuck ups. (And we do not mean that in a blasphemous manner. Only in the religio-conceptual manner.) You are what make people follow your faith. And you are asking us this. You are enlightening. Allow us to enlightern you. Make no mistake, Meri Ma, this is a miracle. A true miracle. A miracle of God-drinking-milking proportions. We gratify thyself for this miraculous turn of events. So rest easy. We see the crisis you might be going through. In the face of so much aggressive religious marketing from followers of Gods that drink milk and from followers of Gods that bring down tall buildings, we can see why you may be going through a promotional, existential and futur-centric dilemma. Please enter the confession box so we may confess our jargontastic strategio-marketing plan for you. For the sake of essential differentiation to enhance psychographic targetting, this will be a confession of an opposite kind. We will marketingly confess our crapegies for your socio-economic benefit. We will confess and bless you with a proper strategic plan that might help you unearth the hidden meanings in your holy psyche. The first thing you must do is pat thyself on thy back for having introduced the ambient role of ambient media presence in the form of a confession box. Unlike other forms of tactical advertising, the confession box is a truly big idea. It is an idea with legs even better than yours. It is an idea with mass-market appeal. It is an idea that, like all true big ideas, appeals to the mass common denominator. The great thing about a confession box is we can say what we please, knowing fully well that we aren't talking to a piece of stone or some lifeless object. There's great strength is sharing one's darkest deeds and feelings with a fellow human being and knowing that the fellow human being will do absolutely nothing about it, apart from listen and dish out some advise that one is under no obligation to follow. Ne'er has there been a more tangible placebox than a confession crox. Then again, a stone idol is a pretty good piece of religious ambient media, too. The problem with a stone idol is it comes in many brand extensions, which, eventually, dilutes the message. The concentratedness of the confession crox is what makes it a powerful tool of marketing. The confession box, we confess, takes the cake. So please don't mind it. Anyway, you have no right to. You only have the right to listen. You listen, while we confess our feelings about what you mean to us. After that, we both can shamelessly and blamelessly go back to our old ways. Ah, for the unburdensome powers of religion. Anyway, the meaning of what you are is a very hard one to answer. Some of the views you hold are totally at odds with the practical principles of humanity. For instance, look in the orphanages around the world and you will see the lack of meaning in what you are. You look at bastards around the world and you will find examples of what you shouldn't be. (Once again, we mean that word, which we dare not repeat, only in the religio-conceptual sense.) You look at people paying for their youthful mistakes and you will see what you are preventing people from being. We will, for the sake of peace, abort this train of thought. After all, abortion is something your kind are totally unable to comprehend and discuss. Admittedly, we may seem rather liberal in our use of views towards you. Trust us, we're being conservative. If we decided to be liberal, we would go to hell. In fact, we are in hell. And on that note, we request you to go to hell. We see no meaning in anything that you or milk-drinking and tower-humping brethren do. It burns our stake-ridden heart to think of the the fools that buy into your kind of marketing. You are worse than the most shill kind of advertising. We opt out of this presentation. The meaning of all this is the presence of the lack of any meaning whatsoever in any of what you psycho-religio-marketers preach. Thank you for listening to our confession. Please do not involve us in your promotional ways. Your faitheist Funcle.