Saturday, September 02, 2006

"I am a Creative Director. What should I do?" Seedy Somebody

Dear Somebody, Obviously, you're a so-so somebody and so we'll be respectful to you. Not too mucking fuch. Just a wee bit. Or, at least, we'll bloody try to. Don't blame us if we can't. Or don't. Dude/Dudette/Whatever, we aren't in the business of respecting anyone. We're all about giving honest advise. And if you want honest advise, you don't want respect. Know what we mean? Probably not. Up there, where you find yourself, the air tends to be really dense and the head very light so you're not very likely to know a thing about what anything means. No issues. All that matters is that it doesn't matter if what you want is respect, with honest advise you will get no respect. Besides, as a Creative Director, you probably get way too much of that sycophantic animal called respect. And if you happen to be fair, your thick white, pale skin profuckingbably gets oodles of it from all fucking genuflecting quarters. So don't come down here looking for anymore of that disgusting animal. Is that clear? Good. Now sit the fuck down and listen to us. Hmm, so you're a Creative Director. Hmm, so you probably work in an advertising agency. No, make that, you definitely do not work in an advertising agency. As a Creative Director in an advertising agency, that's what you must be doing. Rather, not doing. Glad we got that agreed upon. It's important that we agree, to move forward. As a Creative Director, you must be getting a lot of agreement. So this shouldn't be so hard to comprehend. Though, it might be just a tad hard to do. Well, like we agreed, you don't work in an advertising agency, but definitely do shirk in an advertising agency. What the fuck do you do? No, we're not asking you. In our position, we do not fucking ask. We just tell. What we were doing, when seeming to repeat the question you posed to us, was just asking fucking aloud for our stupid, underling-minded mind's benefit. So, once again, what the fuck do you do, chump? No, don't answer. Keep quiet. We're the one providing the answers. First question to pose for the answer: What did we do when we were Creative Fucking Director? Hmm. Yes, yes, we too were that animal that you now are. But only for a very, very short while. Like in everything fucking else, we weren't too good at being a CD either. The thing is we weren't seedy. We worked our butt off. We fought for what's right. We, even, thought for what's right. We stuck by our team. We stuck by our team. We stuck by our team. Oops, sorry, we didn't mean to get stuck on that. But, we did fucking stick by our team. We didn't care for clients. We didn't care for suits. We only cared for the brands we were championing. And that's why we sucked. Now, we know better. We've seen many, many successful Creative Directors. We know what it takes. We also know fucking well what it doesn't take. And we shall generously share all that crockvise with you. Obviously, you aren't doing a terribly good job of it, which is why you're asking us. Good move. Bad move: You're probably making the mistake of trying to work on the job you have, somehow, landed yourself. We suggest you go back five lines in this nonveration we're having between us, read the few lines of rants we've puked all over this piece of shitty paper and make sure you do the exact oppositie of all we proudly, bitterly and vituperatively said we did as a Creative Fucking Director. And that's pretty much all you need to do. Now get the fuck out and just don't do it. Your righteously wrong blagvertising Agony.