Thursday, September 07, 2006
"I'm going to be a man. What is the meaning of this?" Boy Wonder
Dear Wonderboy, Hmm. Ahem. Sigh. Damn! Sorry. We're just tired of boys who want to be men and asking us how to be so? Don't we have enough men in this world? Do we fucking need more fucking men in this man's world? Honestly, we have no idea how to be a man. We're not man enough to be a man. And we're man enough to admit it. What we can teach you to be, is man enough to not be a man. Are you man enough to take it? We're man enough to tell you that it's okay to be a woman enough to be a man. Why couldn't you ask us how to be a man when you become a man? Hmm. Ahem. Sigh. Damn! Sorry. Looks like you did ask us that. We're just so used to men who want to be men that we tend to zone out when we hear from men who want to be men. We welcome you with open arms. You're a man who wants to be a man. Now that's a sensible man. Boy, we could do with more men like you who are still boys. No, you fool! We're not that kind of perverted man who's into boys. We're just tired of men who only know how to be pretentiously grown-up men and don't have the fucking balls to be boys. We really could do with less men who want to be men. Are we confusing you dear Boy? Don't be. This isn't half as hard as it is going to be being a man. Then again, if you're looking for something easy, just be a man. It's very easy to be a man and not be a man. To be a man, you just have to go out and conquer. You must forget you have a heart. You must be a big swinging dick. You must jettison all feelings of feelings. The only feelings you must have are unfeelings. You must get your tear glands excised and have them replaced with an extra set of sweat glands. To be a man, you just have to make sure you move up and up and up and fucking up the corporate ladder. To be a man you must get yourself an additional set of voice-boxes and speak loudly for no rhyme or reason. You must not show any interest in matters cultural and sensory. You must not go anywhere near poetry. You must embrace all stereotypes. You must also chest-butt while embracing stereotypes. To be a man, you must keep amassing money enough to buy yourself a harem. To be a man, you have to be the man in the pride of lions. To be a man you have to be the quitessential animal. You must show off your biceps. You must reek of testosterone. You must walk around with your balls on your face. Okay, you needn't walk around with your testicles in your face, but you must be prepared to show how big your testicles are. You must also want to own cars. You must be able to fell a tree with your tree-trunk like arms. To be a man, the only thing you must fear is being a man. Because to be a man in a man's world, you have to ignore all the things that men say make a man and find the things that your heart says makes for a good human being. A real man is not a man. A real man is a human being. A real man is a human being who isn't an animal. A real man is a human being who is an animal and is man enough to recognise that he is an animal. A real man is a man who isn't afraid to not be a man. A real man is someone who isn't afraid to be a failure. A real man is a man who isn't afraid to be afraid. A real man is someone who will not do anything that has to be done to show the world he is a man. Are you man enough to understand what it takes to graduate from being a boy to man without being a man? Are you man enough to be a woman? That's my Boy. You're da man! Now go and build those arms and shoulders and abs and thighs and calves and heart and everything else. You'll need them to bear the cross you will have to walk around with if you choose to be a man among men in a fucking man's world. Your emasculine Funcle.