Friday, September 29, 2006

"Why do superheroes wear their underpants outside?" Hero Giri

Dear Hero Giri, Good question. Very good question. A question that is long, long overdue. You've put the finger on the question that has been troubling mankind from the time superheroes have entered our lives. In fact, we, the Father of all issues, has often wondered why nobody asked us this question. People come to us with all kinds of issues of that are hardly obvious and hardly in need of very urgent attention. Obviously, it took a real hero to to muster up the courage to ask this very obvious and in-your-face question of a superbly delicate kind. Make no mistake, it is, indeed, a very delicate question with possibly life-changing consequences. (You will see.) What is this great Freudian urge that makes these heroes of superhuman strength, noble intentions and altruistic lives assault us with their sexuality in such a manner? Is it a Freudian intention? Or is it something else? Let us investigate. But before that, let us all take a moment to thank you, profusely, for bringing this issue up front. Quiet! A moment is passing. Thank you. It has passed. And now, it's your turn to thank us. We have it. Our brain that moves faster than the eye can see has come up with the answer to this vexing intrusion into our lives. After a lightning moment of speedy investigation we believe the following are the reasons these great men and women of superhuman tendencies indulge in this manner of superficial exhibitionism. Prepare yourself for this superblast of irrevelations of a superfuncle kind. On a marketing level, there is a distinct possibility that all the underwear companies in the world have gotten together and forged a secret contract with the superheroes of the world for the most obvious of product placements. In a fashion faux-pas aside, we have it on record that all superheroes love wearing tight clothes and do not enjoy wearing thongs. Wearing tight clothes with large underwear is an invitation to reveal thy visible panty liner. We all know how disgusting it is when women reveal thy panty liner. We do not want to know how it might look if men were to do the same. Superheroes, in their love for crime-fighting, choose to wear their briefs outside to protect us from this fashion crime. It goes without saying that superheroes do not wish to look like ballet dancers. Nothing more need be said on why we do not need more ballet dancers of a superhuman, or any other, kind in our world. Observantly enough, we have observed that most female superheroes tend to keep their knickers in a twist inside their outfits. Reliable sources inform us they do it, or don't, because their boobs are in-our-face enough to communicate their sexuality. So far, no male superheroes have agreed to have boobs and keep their knickers inside. We wait for the day the great warrior Nogun Shemale decides to make its debut on this politically incorrect Earth. Until then, we'll have to make do with the conventional superheroes of the male and female kind in our midst. Another important point we must mention is that superheroes have an superacute need to colour co-ordinate their outfits. It would be most monotonous for us if they were to zip around in skin-tight outfits of one colour. It needs to be added that under no circumstances is it enough to have skin tight outfits in multiple colours sans a triangle of block colour on the supercrotch to set it off. No, we cannot have triangles being drawn on skin-tight outfits. The great Superfashionistah Cutlet Kabalah ordains that triangles have to be in separate pieces of sartorial inelegance known as outerwear underwear. And that brings us to the end of our investigation into the inner workings of the superhero mind. We thank you for posing this super question. Interestingly enough, we identify you as the next possible superhero in our midst. Perhaps you can call yourself Inside Information, the man who gets inside the minds of criminals and reminds them of the good they can do. Mind it. And while you're putting your mind to it, try not to get your innerwear into a twist. The last thing we need is another superhero with an existential dilemma. Superman and Spiderman have given us enough of that. Your superknows Funcle.