Monday, September 11, 2006

"What's wrong with Peter Crouch?" Tall Order

Dear Tall, Let's discuss this over a tall one. The taller the one, the better. Being Peter Crouch, this might take some time. Peter Crouch is that kind of character. A real character if there was one. A character with so many characteristics one can't help but make merciless fun off. God, what a character. By any chance, do you happen to be Peter Crouch? Something tells us you might be Peter Crouch and are too ashamed to admit it. We don't blame you. We can understand why you might be loath to be yourself. The kind of comments you are subjected to would make anyone lose every ounce of confidence in oneself. You should be ashamed of yourself. Look at yourself. On second thoughts, don't. Just wondering, though, can you look at yourself? Hahahahahaha! Umm, excuse us. If you can look at yourself, you must be a very strong man to not be ashamed of what you see in the mirror. Peter Crouch is a tall order. Isn't he? Aren't you? Save it. We don't want to know. We already do. Still, we're trying to help you here and the first piece of advice we will give you is be ashamed of yourself for being ashamed of yourself. Well, we guess you are ashamed of yourself. So we're on the right track. Maybe. What's wrong with Peter Crouch? Hmm. Good question. Let's start with what's right with Peter Crouch. Umm, let's see, we need to think about this. Very hard. We have to be careful here. Very very. You can't just say something is right with Peter Crouch. You just can't. We don't want to be ashamed of ourselves for saying so. Well, let's start with nothing. Nothing is a good way to go. That way, we'll have nothing to be ashamed of. And nothing to justify. So nothing it is. Nothing is right with Peter Crouch. Steady now. Don't collapse on that unsteady frame of Peter Crouch. Peter Crouch didn't come here for sugar-coated pills, did you? Besides, we managed to find something right, even, with Peter Crouch. It's hard, man. This is Peter Crouch we're talking about. And, probably, too. You are Peter Crouch, aren't you? Never mind. Don't say it. We'll have a hard time gettting past that. We won't be able to. We'll probably burst into tears. And laughter. In equal measure. Nothing personal. Besides, you're not Peter Crouch, are you? And if you are, it's good for you that you're trying not to be. Just don't tell anyone you don't have to meet you are. Face up to the fact that you will always be laughed at. Get used to being an oddity. Never expect people to take you seriously. Peter Crouch has no right to be taken seriously. Seriously. Just because you happen to score goals doesn't make you a footballer. So what if nobody else on your team scores any goals? At least they look like footballers. You don't look like a footballer. If you don't look like a footballer, you're not a footballer. Scoring goals is not an English footballer's job. Looking like a footballer is a footballer's job. He must have a girlfriend who looks like a footballer's girlfriend. He must know how to celebrate properly, and not the way Crouchie does, after scoring a goal. Look at Beckam. Look at Lampard. Look at Ashley Cole. Look at their girlfriends. Look at you, Crouch. And then, don't look at you. When people look at Peter Crouch, people think it doesn't take much to be a footballer. You make footballers look flawed. And human. Flawed humans don't want to look at flawed humans. And neither do they want to look like flawed humans. When they look at you, they look at someone who shamelessly devalues the value of eye-candy in this eye-candy driven world. No six-pack abs. No tree-trunk like thighs. No calf muscles. No muscles. No style. No chiselled features. No acquiline nose. No buns of steel. No. No. No. All arm and legs. What the fuck is right with Peter Crouch? What kind of advertisement for football is Peter Crouch? Who the heck is going to buy anything from Peter Crouch? How the fuck can we have a footballer we can't buy anything from? The first thing a footballer has to be is a model. Not a footballer. Maybe Crouch should consider becoming a cricketer. Then again, English cricket, too, is becoming a model sport and a sport for models. Be a sport, Peter, get out of sport. Get into something that you can do behind closed doors. Freak shows. The circus. Anything but the media circus that is life. Or wait for the day when football will, once again, be about football. Just don't hold your breath. You might end up cracking those brittle ribs of yours. Which might not be such a bad thing. At least, that will let someone foppish footballer worth looking at take your place on the catwalk called football. Umm, you are Peter, aren't you? Never mind, as a matter of principle we don't let the identity of our patients get in the way of our solutions. Your Peter Principled Funcle.