Friday, September 08, 2006
"I want to live somebody else's life. How to?" Live Aid
Dear Live, We're very good at wanting. In fact, the human race is built on the desire to desire want. So do not fret your life over what you think might be a problem. The positivity inherent in us urges you to negate the thought completely. It's not a problem. It's a solution. Without wanting, there can be no problems and without problems there can be no solutions. All solutions are problems and all problems are solutions. No problem. That you want to live somebody else's life is very biologically natural and there are a clutch of ways in which you can do this. You can do so vicariously by locking yourself up, not interacting with anyone and only watching other people's live on television, the internet or by consuming, voyeuristically, all and any other forms of media that exist solely for the purpose of informing needy, the needy and very fucking needy people like you who have no lives, about how they can live their lives by watching other people live theirs. Needy people also need other things. Other things like religion. So if religion is your thing, you have more than a few options. For instance, if you happen to be a Hindu, you can kill yourself and come back in another life. For a Hindu, this is the easiest way to live somebody else's life. If you don't like the life you come back in, you can kill yourself again and try again. The circle of life in Hinduism can go on and on and on, until you give yourself the right life you'd like to live in. Once you have been delivered the right life, you will have no more lives. As you can see, it's not such a bad thing to be a Hindu. You get many lives and many turns at living lives when you are one. No other religion offers you these kinds of multiple choice questions and answers to life. Hinduism will also tell you that questions are the answers to life. Just like problems are solutions in disguise. You're right, Hinduism is indeed the Management Guru and Capitalism of all lives. So take your pick. And time. You have many turns. On the other hand, if you happen to be a Christian, we urge you to do all you can to get crucified. Yes, crucify us for saying this, but cricifixion is the way to go. It is the way to salvation. It is the rightful path. Umm, no, that's in Jainism. Sorry, for the confusionism. What to do? That's Religion for us. And you. So, crucify us. And let's get back to the crucifixion of Christianity. Look around and look for a suitable set of fiends to crucify you. Once you do so, beatifically bless them in pain and come back as the son of man: The ultimate pain. Unfortunately, that's the only other chance you will have to live another life. Christianity ain't that generous when it comes to choices in life. As a crucified Christian, you cannot come back as the son of a tiger or a lion or an elephant or the king of any castle or jungle. You can only come back as the son of man. We're not even sure whether you will come back as the son of a rich man. Or a handsome man. Or a happy man. Or a gay man. No, you will never come back as the son of a gay man. In Christianity, there is no place for gay men or anything to do with gay men. As you can see, Christianity is a bit of a limited gamble. It's up to you to decide whether the pain and painful joy of crucifixion is worth the one time gamble of coming back as the son of some normal man. Perhaps you can try and plan the trip back to Earth after life in such a way that you end up as the seed of Donald Trump or whichever other virile, good looking, rich, straight, strong man you'd like to be the son of. If Christianity and Hinduism are not your games, then are you a Mussalman? We're not sure what Islam's stance of living other people's lives is, but we do know that some Islamists have a rather extreme view of life. If you happen to be from that school of Islamic unthought, it's best you call it quits for the sake of sacrifice. You see, if you sacrifice your life to take other people's lives, you get coffinfulls of destroyed lives. Admittedly, it's not the best way to live another person's life, considering it's lifeless goods, but it is a way all right. The tenet is: Sacrifice your life for many more destroyed lives. A bit convoluted, eh? We agree. Hey, that's life. No matter whose. Now get the fuck out of our face and get a life. Your lively Funcle.