"I want to be a South Indian star. Any starters?" Rajendra Nathan

Dear Rajendra Nathan, You may want to be a lot of things, but it's best not to expect any of those things to happen. Once you get that into your head, you're well on your way to becoming something. If that something happens to be a South Indian star, here are a few tips to help you along the way. It's a good thing your name is Rajendra Nathan. In case you wanted to be a Bollywood star, we would have advised you to drop the 'Nathan' and turn it into 'Kumar'. Legend has it that many aspirants to the post of Bollywood superstardumb have used the superpower loaded elixir 'Kumar' to strengthen their claims to superstardom. Records show that the magic potion 'Kumar' has helped a lot of very average non-performers go on to become 'Jubilee Kumars'. 'Jubilee Kumars' are people who deliver jubilee hits with even greater frequency than the nohers of India can deliver babies. Of course, since you want to become a South Indian Superstar, none of that is of any relevance to you. That said, it's always a good thing to know your History no matter where the Geography of your ambitions take you. Now that you know the History of the Jubilee roots of your name, let's try and help you on your way to becoming a South Indian Superstar. The first thing you cannot be is a 'Superstar'. Somebody else has already taken care of that for generations to come and gone. You cannot be a 'Star' either. There's another colourful gent who has decided he is the 'Star' of South Indian cinema. You may not be the 'Captain' of South Indian cinema either. We're not sure why you might want to be the 'Captain' of South Indian cinema, but even if you want to, you cannot. That, we're sure of. That label has been taken. We suggest you sit yourself down and come up with some suitable labels that you can prefix your name with. In our vast experience of South Indian galaxy waching, we can't think of you making it without labels and can certainly think of a few labels you can prefix your name with to help. Please make a note of them. And don't share them. Or someone else might take them. Ready? Action! Try 'Jubilee' Rajendran. If that's a tad too retro for your tastes and doesn't appeal to you, do consider 'Big Daddy' Nathan. If that seems a bit too hip and a bat three hop for your tastings, how about 'Little Captain' Rajendra? (Assuming you are smaller built than the avoirdupois 'Captainised' gent in South Indian filmdom.) If your ego is too massive for 'Little', would you like to go with 'Mallaivar' Nathan? Or does 'Madras Cuts' Nathan fit your bangs better? Wait a minute, 'Black Mambalam' Rajendra does seem quite appropriate and lethal too. No, hang on, we're liking 'Master Beta' Raju too. How about you? Think about these 'before' things. Do keep the dialogue going and keep us posted on the progress of your first, crucial steps into the world of South Indian Superstardumb. We're always there to help. Along the way, you might be able to help us break in too. Don't forget us. We're thinking 'Tragedy Kutty' Agony goes well with our image for South Indian stardom. How's that, for starters? Wogay, enjai Mama. Do come again Ma. Your extra helping Agony.