Sunday, September 17, 2006

"I don't have a question. Why am I here?" Off On

Dear Off, Ah, another existential stranger. Looks like Dubya and his stranger ways are catching on. No matter. We're always there for the better. So, you don't have a question? If you don't have a question, the only advice we can give you is off you go! Hee, hee. Seriously, why are you here? That's the question. So, you do have a question. See, how helpful we are. Immediately. Which brings us back to the question you didn't have. Why are you here? Is it our drop-dead gorgeous looks that have drawn you to this space? Is it our deep, rich baritone that you have heard good things about and in? Is it our rapier-like wit? Or it it all of the above. Most likely, it's none of the above. Put simply, all of the above is true, but you wouldn't know about that, would you? This is not that kind of space. We don't let superficial matters such as those of the above get in the way of the sincere, straight from the heart, unbiased advice we dish out to helpless souls loking for some help. Maybe you have a very perfect life. Maybe that's what bothers you. And if it doesn't, it ought to. Maybe you can't understand how your life can be so beautiful and without any weighty questions that need answering. Maybe that's your question? Looks like we've solved your problem by planting a problem. Sorry, but we have to do this kind of thing. We're a doctor of one kind. And what's a doctor if he can't create a problem that needs to be cured. So, there's your problem. We've solved your initial problem of a lack of a problem by finding you a problem that needs solving. And now, it's time to solve your problem. Your problem is that you have no problem. And when you have no problem, you have a problem because you can be sure somebody will create a problem for you. People will not let you be without problems. That's their problem. And will, soon, become your problem. So hang in there. We're pretty sure you belong here. Eventually, everyone is in life for some agony. Your question is why don't you have questions? If you have a mind, you must have questions. And if you don't have questions, you may not have a mind. Don't mind it, but you probably live in a fool's paradise and that's your problem. Come back to the real world. And when you do, you'll have some real problems. Then again, you don't have to. Just don't tell the rest of the people in the world how to get to where you are. Because if everyone else got to where you are, they'd have no questions. And then, we'd have a problem. Meanwhile, since you wonder why you have no questions, here's one you might want to wander about. Why is George Bush in charge of our lives? Think about that. It's the mother of all questions. Any question? Come back. We will, as always, be ready to ply you with an answer. Your offul Funcle.