Saturday, August 19, 2006
"I am a book. Help me." Book Mark
Dear Mark, We're not sure what kind of help you're seeking here. The tone of your letter, though, sounds urgent. And so, we're going to try and read between the lines. We gather, from what we read, that your problem is you're not being read. Are we reading you right? Good. Well, you see, the thing is people don't have time for old fogeys like you. We don't blame them. With the advent of sexy new item numbers like SMS, camera phones and the Internet, who has time for old hags like books? Why the heck should people waste their time turning pages when they can, with a lot less effort, get a lot more sex. Just ask yourself this, why start a relationship if you can get what you're getting into a relationship for without the relationship? Do you read me? Does it hurt? Sorry, Mark, we're not known for pulling our punches. We say it like it is. If the net can give you as much and much more than what you can give you, would you opt for someone like you? Face it, Mark, you're a lot more accessible as an e-book. So why the fuck should I waste my time getting to know you? Go ahead, say it. Ouch! There, does it feel better? I hope not, because there's more pain coming your way. So brace yourself for it. Consider this, Mark, you're a lot cheaper as an e-book. So why the fuck should I pay the price of a lifetime committment with you? Sure, you can tell me that you can only cuddle up with someone like you. That you, a cup of hot chocolate and a warm blanket is what makes life worth living. That there's a whole different feeling in turning the pages of a real you. To which we'll say, save it Mark. Quite frankly, that's all marketing speak. Humans don't have time for the real things in life anymore. Humans have stopped feeling. All they're looking for is quick fixes. Humans are into the use and dispose age. Everything has been reduced to the status of a sanitary napkin, a pad, a condom, an instant gratification. Humans have become collectors of things, quickies and stuff. If they don't like something, they want to trash it. And it's a lot easier living that kind of life via a computer hard disk. A computer can store more than a bloody, lovely, intimate bookshelf ever will. A quick handjob, as opposed to the whole she-bang, is often all human beings want. Thankfully, you're not any of that Mark. You're a long term relationship. And that makes you a real pain in the arse. Sorry Mark, it's time to get rid of all the excess baggage and come back as a slimmer, sleeker, disposable short-term relationship. Do you read me, Mark? You better. Or else, nobody is ever going to read you. Goodbye and good luck. Your well-read Funcle.