"I'm fair & lovely. Where do I go from here?" Unfair Kvetchun

Dear Kvetchun, Indeed, you are right. That is an unfair kvetch. Considering the unfair world we live in, there couldn't be a more unfair kvetch than the one you have just posed to, and for, us. You deserve to be pulled up for it. But we're not of that disposition. We're compassionate, kind and very, very fair. Our experience as a very, very dark personality has made us very fairly disposed to your disgusting kind. Since we have absolutely no bloody ill-feelings towards your empty, superficial good-looking and unfair kind, we abjectly apologise instantly for calling you disgusting, but we do not think we or you should be blamed for the negative feelings people like us feel towards your kind. It is only natural. Everywhere we look around, your kind seems to have a larger share of life's pie. Furthermore, everywhere we look around, your kind seems to have the whole pie. It bears repeating because everywhere we looking around again and again, your kind just takes the cake and the whole fucking bakery. What the bloody hell is the world coming to? Excuse us for our unruly, ugly, dark rage. It bears repeating that we have no negative feelings towards you. It is, after all, very unfair on our part to blame you and your fucked up ilk for being little more than superficial and fair and lovely. In case you do not see that happening whereever you are, you are, obviously, in the wrong neck of the woods and should instantly rethink, thoughtlessly, about which neck of the woods you should refuckinglocate to. You should also immediately tell us where this mythical place you find yourself in is? Point is, if you are not making the most of what you are, you are not in India. If you are not in India, that is the place you should go to from whichever fair and foolish part of the unfair world you are currently in. India is where the action is, baba. The stockmarket index is set to hit 1 billion points. The economy is booming. P. C. Chidambaram is pushing investing. The women are giving. And the fair are prospering. While the white world may be exotically disposed towards a darker shade of whiteness, the unfair people of the incontinence of India are helplessly disposed towards all things white. Believe it and yes, it is one of those rare places on this fucked up Earth where the men try to look like women and women try to look like something out of this world. Believe it and yes, it is one of those totally fucked up places on this motherfucking Earth where marriage proposals are decided on the basis of skin whiteness. God knows what happened to the old-fashioned virtues of caste, money and money. (He really must, because we certainly don't.) All this to say, shortly, we urge you to pack your bags and head right off to India. It doesn't matter what you may possess in your cranium or in your pocket, if you are fair and lovely, you stand a very good chance of making it fairly very big in India. It's true. Large corporate houses have made billions from your name. Lesser corporate houses have even gone to the extent of making disgusting commercials full of foppy looking males working themselves up into a lather to look fair and handsome. Bollywood is built on the fair practice of fair trade. Thanks to this neck of the woods, the quaint, archaic and, now, obsolete term tall, dark and handsome has undergone a warped Micheal Jackson like makeover in this land of the formerly lovely eastern dark. In parting, here's an even more encouraging parting shot in the arm for you, confirmed reports confirm that more large corporates are doing their best to make the obsession with your kind even more biased and open. No reports have come through regarding the implausible impossibility of this kind of racial profiling being proscribed. All this should make it as white as daylight to you that India is where you should go from here. Please don't repeat the kvetchun. We might kill you. Not that we hate you or anything. Your fairly fucked up Funcle.