"I read that women with breast implants are more likely to commit suicide. Should I go in for one?" Breast Wishes

Dear Breast, Always a pleasure to talk to breasts. That apart, we'd advise you, if you do decide to go in for one, to go in for two. One breast implant would seem like a very silly compromise. Admittedly, it would lessen the possibility of your committing suicide by 50%, but it wouldn't really make for a very enjoyable life either. In fact, if you decide to go in for one, we gaurantee you that you are more likely to commit suicide. After all, you do realise what going in for only one breast implant would mean. Better to go in for a masectomy instead. Between going in for one breast implant and a masectomy lies a very tricky choice of less suicide or less breast cancer. A choice so tricky is clearly beyond the purview of our discussion and so we urge you not to waste your time considering it. Instead, we urge you not to make any compromises. You either go in for two breast implants and increase your chances of committing suicide but reduce your chances of contracting breast cancer or don't go in for any implants, thereby increase your chances of contracting breast cancer and losing your minuscule, useless breasts to a single or double masectomy. While you consider the implications of the quick fix we have just put you in, allow us to consider your real question. Should you go in for two, not one, breast implants? Yes, we too have read about that seminal study which revealed women who go in for breast implants are more likely to kill themselves. Well, what can we say? You, probably, are already suffering from and know of the consequences of not having a decent pair of knockers in this testosterone-dominated world. You, obviously, know that not having a decent pair of knockers doesn't make life that much fun to live. No boyfriends, no expensive gifts, fewer promotions, saturday nights at home and the company of only chocolate ice-cream in front of the boob-tube. Worse, if you have a boyfriend, he's looking at other breast-implanted breasts while pretending to look at your little titty-bitty ones. How much fun can that kind of a life be? Not much. Our own carefully experienced research has also proved that women with smaller breasts really have to work much, much harder to make something of their lives. They're also less likely to be married to rich men. Women with smaller breasts have to focus on much harder tasks like using their brains to get by. Would you rather do something as silly as that when air-head options such as getting breast implants, two not one, exist? Moreover, why go for the sensible thing when more of our own experienced research has shown that the sensible option doesn't really end up being the sensible option in the long run? As that great economist we don't care much for but love to quote said, in the long run we're all dead. Put simply, big breasts or no breasts, you're likely to be dead from killing yourself because you decided to go in for big breasts or from killing because of losing your breasts to breast cancer. In other words, going in for breast implants, two not one, might increase the chances of your killing yourself, but it will reduce your chances of contracting breast cancer. Not going in for breast implants might mean you stand a greater chance of losing your breasts, one or two, to a masectomy. Either way, you're fucked. My advice would be to go for the boob job and get yourself some real fucks before you decide that you're so mind-fucked that you want to kill yourself. After all, in the long run, one way or another, we're all fucking dead. Hope our little tit-a-tit helps. Yours niplomatically, Funcle.