Thursday, August 24, 2006

"I'm Pluto. What next?" Plutonic Relationship

Dear Pluto, We're very tempted to say what the scientist of the world have asked you to do, as in, chalo, chalo, yahaan say phuto! Of course, you have no idea what that means, even though, you know the feeling. Stumped? Awesome. That's why we're here, to stumper the stumped and then unstump them. Stumper, what da fuck is dat? Super. Since you're getting stumper and stumper by the minute, we shall further elaborater. 'Stumper' is the next stage of being stumped. Unstumped? Good. Coming now to your originaler question of what next, now that you have been told to phuto? But first, a quick primer on 'phuto'. 'Phuto', in the not-so-ancient 'Bambaiya' dialect of the ancient language of Hindi means 'get the hell out of here', rudely, callously, astronomically and scientifically. We're sure you know the feeling, right? Good. Which is sure to raise another question in your mind full of more weighty questions like what is this rude-sounding thing called 'Bambaiya'? Time for some more unstumping from the Father of all issues. 'Bambaiya' is 'Bambaiya' for 'Bombayspeak'. 'Bombayspeak' is oldspeak for 'Mumbaispeak'. 'Mumbaispeak' is a kind of Hindi spoken only in Mumbai. And Mumbai is the the new name for Bombay. Are we clear? Really? Doesn't matter. Really. Considering you don't matter no more. Ah well, get used to it. Unemotionally, scientifically, and unscientifically, speaking it's the way this world operates. They use you as long as you're useful enough, big enough, significant enough and till they are ignorant enough about other weightier things. The minute they find other more interesting, bigger and more significant matters, you cease to matter. You are cold. You are dark. You are solitary. You are distant. You are unapproachable. Boy, you were lucky. Be thankful, they paid attention to you for this long. It's rare for people like us to pay much attention to people like you. People like us prefer big things. For instance, big hips are preferred by some Earthlings. Big breasts by most Earthlings. And big planets by the big astronomers. Come to think of it, you shouldn't be too miffed. Before now, you were a loner. Now, you're a huge part of a gang of little fellows. You're now the biggest fish in a smaller asteroid pond. You can lord over that pond. You were nothing in our pond. As that big fish in the human marketing pond, Al Ries and Jack Trout, would say, you are now better positioned to exert more influence. You have no reason to feel down and out. You used to be down and out there. But now, you're the Thing in the Kuiper Belt. How cool is that? Very fucking cool, that's how cool. You've just been given a fresh lease of life. You've been released from our oblong orbit of Astronomical Karma. You can now relaunch yourself as T.A.F.K.A.P., (The Artist formerly known as Pluto). You were a renegade among mortals. You can now be the Prince of Asteroids. Just don't get too comfy. You never know what heartless humans have in store for you next. Goodbye, my lonely soulmate. You are no longer like us. We like you. No more.With stars in our eyes, Funcle.