Monday, August 28, 2006

"We don't have the guts to do anything. What to do?" Guts & Gori

Dear Guts & Gori, A real pleasure to be of service to the first couple of question ever posed to the 'Father of all Issues'. We're touched by your love for each other. Clearly, you have identified our core competency and your core incompotencies. We don't like mentioning it, but we're, above all, a marriage counsellor. Which is why we mentioned it to demonstrate to you that if you're looking for a place to learn about guts, looks no further. We're not only the 'Father of all Issues', we're also the 'Father of Guts'. You will, surely, agree that it takes guts to mention things one doesn't like mentioning and then proceeed to be pompous about having the guts to mention that one has guts to mention the things one doesn't like mentioning. Not only that, it also takes guts to string together a wholly unintelligible sentence like that and make it sound like we are not being so. We shall continue in this gutsy vein and reveal our experiences with people like us that we do not like to bandy about as us. Back to marriage fucking counsellors. Oh no, we do not dislike the bastards at all. Please do not be under that impression. No, not at all. We fucking insist. Banish the bloody thought. Okay. Good. Anyway, so we choose not to bandy that we're, too, a marriage fucking counsellor because our experience with marriage fucking counsellors has been rather appalling. Allow us to share, yet again, our fucking experience with you in the hope that it may give you the courage to deal with your fear full experiences. The way we see it, marriage counsellors suck. Thanks to our marriage counsellor, our Gori ran away with the cad. The cad charged us humungous amounts for every session with the cad and convinced our Gori that she was better off with a cad with our bank balance, which, by the end of our sessions with the blighter, was no longer ours, but added to his bank balance. On hindsight, though, we agree emptyheartedly with the state of affairs, and the cad. After all, if that's all our Gori was after, she's better off with the cad. Of course, we couldn't accept the assessment of the cad, which is why we hid the fact that we chose to turn marriage counsellor-cum cad. Instead we dishonestly bandy the fact that we're little more than the 'Father of all Issues' and are here to fucking help all comers. Thanks for coming to us with your issue. Please prepare to pay us a not-so-large sum of money once we finish with the first of the many, many money-sucking sessions we will have over your issue. You can be sure, we will not be finished with you, until we finish you. Quite frankly, we do not think you do not have the guts to do anything. You have chosen to come to a perfect stranger with your problem. That takes guts. You have chosen to take the first step and will proceed to share intimate details about your life with a perfect stranger. That takes guts. You have chosen to reveal to a perfect stranger that you and your lovely gori are having problems in and out of bed. That takes foolish guts. Come, come, do not be so hard on yourselves. You fools have a lot of guts. You fools also have no brains. Instead of sitting down and talking like sensible human beings, egolessly, about the state of your problems, you have chosen to wash your dirty lingerie in a public forum. Thrice again, that takes guts. How can you say you have no guts? We're sure you and your Gori are with each other only because you both know you can't do any fucking better. That takes a lot of guts. Then, think about this, you are together. Boy, that takes guts. Then again, the fact that you haven't chosen to be alone, shows what cowards you both are. Clearly, you both possess no guts. May we suggest you schedule a personal appointment with us? If after all this, you decide to go ahead and schedule more sessions with us, it'll go along way in proving to yourselves that you do have the guts to do anything. You know what to do. Next. Your nutsy Funcle.