"Insecurity is my middle name. How do I change that?" Bastard Child

Dear Child, Please note, we haven't stooped to calling you a bastard, you little insecure bastard. We know how much that would hurt and make you feel like all your names are insecurity, you little bastard. We understand your predicament very well, you bastard. It's one of the reasons we're, actually, subtly, sneakily, fuelling your insecurities, you bastard. Doesn't make sense, does it? Think about it, you bastard. Once you have your insecurities fuelled by more insecurities, you will have only insecurities. After that, you will find it much easier to deal with your insecurities, because you will see nothing but insecurities. Leaving you with little else to deal with, apart from insecurities. And then, you will get totally used to any frigging insecurities. Are you comprehending thy insecurities? You may ask why and how is it that we undertand the salient principles of these insecurity, and you, so well? Well, you little bastard, insecurity is not our middle name, but insecurity is our full name. Don't believe us? Ask the wise men of insecurity, and they will tell you that it is one of the root causes of agony. Well, now that we've gotten to know each other a little better, let's get right down to getting you out of our hair. We would like to ask you a few things before trying to help you. Not because we're overly interested in your predicament, but because we do not want to be seen as one of those Gurus who dish out advise without understanding fully, completely and properly the reasons, circumstances and grounds for a sad bastard's problems. Please listen carefully to our queries and don't bother to answer us. It won't get through to us. Nothing ever does. We're too insecure to let any of that two way communication take place. And that's why we indulge ourselves in one-way conversations of a non-responsive, regressive nature. It's a lot easier that way. To help you, it's best we don't get into a conversation, dialogue or argument with you that will only add to our insecurities. All we will do is answer all the questions we pose and provide you with all the solutions. It's only us who will reach you, reach out to you and shelter you from all your problems so that you may face them without the need for any shelter or us. Clear? Amazing! So tell us, why do you feel like insecurity is your middle name? Is it on your report card? Is it on your birth certificate? Is there any proof of it? Is it on your school leaving certificate? If it isn't on any one of those very important documents, we urge you to go to your local municipality and put it on them. Without your complete name on these very important documents, you will find it impossible to do much in life, which will only add to your insecurities. No matter what you say, if your middle name is not on an important piece of paper, it can never be accepted as your middle name. And if you do not have an accepted middle name, you will not have the security of being a fatherfull person, you little bastard. Not being a fatherfull person is the imperfectly documented recipe for distasteful insecurity. That said, you seem pretty sure that insecurity is your middle name, so we suspect your documents are in order. In which case, the only person who should be blamed for the state of affairs you find yourself in are your parents. In particular, your insecure father. Consider that. Seriously. Something that might make you feel less insecure is blaming your parents for everything. Most people feel very good when they absolve themselves of any responsibility and blame their childhood for everything that makes them insecure. You might want to keep telling yourself that. Try telling yourself many times a day that insecurity is your middle name because it's your father's name. It might not offer you much comfort, but at least it will make you feel like you are what you are only because of your father. We know that will fuel, even further, your deep-rooted insecurity and surround you with a cacoon of insecurities. In our nature, a cacoon is the perfect place to find security. Problem? Solution. Your soluble Funcle.