Tuesday, August 22, 2006

"I miss her. What should I do?" Mr. Misserable

Dear Mr. Misserable, You miss 'Her'? Who doesn't miss 'Her'. Everybody who is single misses 'Her'. You're not the only person who is single and misses 'Her'. 'Her' encompasses the the overall gravitude of the human condition. If you don't know the meaning of 'gravitude', join the gang at wordmint.blogspot.com. But back to 'Her.' As we were holding forth, forthwrongly, 'Her' is the essence of the miserableness of the human conundrum that is we. And 'Her' is a piece of airy-fairy crap. So let us get back to some real 'Her' crap. Let us consider the unlikely possibility that a sure-fire loser such as you who is doing not much better than missing her is not single. Hahahahahahohohohohehehehehahaha! Sorry, we didn't mean to laugh uproriously at you like that. Ahem. We're now suitably serious. Of course, if you are not single and you still miss her, there is something far more serious to ponder about. Allow us to ponder for a millisecond and come up with a seriously suitable response to your seriously fucked query. Got it! We're too good. We're ubergood. We're supergood. We're Superman Returns. Oh no, Superman Returns is so gay. So we're just repetitively many good. We're back with you. That said, it is swiftly so true that our mind thinks faster than the Phantom's eye can see. Obviously, you have no idea what we are yammering on about, which could be one of the reasons you miss her. Never mind. We're sure you're missing all the pearls we are judiciously subtly throwing your way. And so, we shall be obvious. We shall dumb it down. We shall slap your miserable face with solutions to the serious problem you seem to be facing. Have you wondered why you miss her? Since you likely have little else to do, we're pretty sure you probably have wondered ponderingly, and ponderously, enough about the issue. We suggest you go back to the writing board and ponder over all the reasons you miss her. Once you do that, you wil realise, miserably, that you are the miserable reason you miss her. Once you realise, miserably, you're the reason you miss her, you will secondly realise you can't do a frigging thing about it. Once you realise you can't do a frigging thing about it, you will thirdly realise how helplessly unmissable you are. And once you realise how helplessly unmissable you are, you will fourthly, and finally, realise that she doesn't miss you one bit. That's when it will dawn on you how pointlessly helpless and hopeless, it is to miss her. In case all this doesn't work for you, consider going back to where you left her. There's a very good chance that that will go a long way towards alleviating your miserable problems. Just don't be too sure. You see, what you don't see is whether she misses you at all. Take a little time out to consider the possibility that she isn't missing you one bit and is in fact forgetting you by going off with someone else who isn't foolish enough, loser enough and isolationist enough to moon about romantically useless matters like missing her. Instead, there's a very sensible chance that she is with a very sensible bloke who cares about more practical things like what one must do to ensure that nobody misses anyone. In which case, there's no fucking point missing anyone, is there? Silly fellow! Your problem is not you miss her. You've just fucking missed the bloody bus. Bus, we'll stop now and leave you to your miserable life. And go write ourselves a letter or something. Sigh, we miss her. Hahahahahahehehehehhohohohoho! Sorry. We didn't mean to laugh uproriously at ourselves, either. Your Agonising Funcle.