Tuesday, August 22, 2006

"I'm immigrating to Canada. How should I prepare for this trip?" Cold Comfort

Dear Comfort, So you too have decided to join the bandwagon. You know, this isn't the first time somebody has come to us with this kvetchun. We come to ourselves all the time with this kvetchun, even after having gone way past the stage of needing an answer to this kvetchun. Hmm,how do we answer this kvetchun? Honestly, of course. We know no other way. Which is why we're stuck in this one way street of life. But enough about our kvetchuns, on to your kvetch. There are many ways to prepare for Canada. The easiest way, of course, is to prepare yourself not to go there. And like all easiest ways, it is the toughest way to prepare. To not be enamoured by what the Great White seemingly has to offer for us dark souls is a task not for lesser humans like us dark souls. It's hard to think the world out there is not better than the shitty world you find yourself in currently. As the great cliche which comes and refuses to go goes, the grass is always greener on the other side, even when hidden under a thick coat of very white prejudices and snow. So we will quietly not try to discourage you from going. Instead, we shall pound you with all the encouragingly discouraging options you will have at your disposal when you go there. If you are a computer programmer, you will end up going to a country which will always remind you of how much better it is for code-pushers of your kind in the country you did not manage to go to, US of fucking A. If you are not a computer code-pusher, you will be stuck wondering what you are expected to do in a country that invites qualified people but has no clue what to do with them. If you are not good-looking, you will be very lonely. If you love cricket, you will be lost. If you are dark, you will be little more than a curiosity. If you are a writer, you will be a loser. If you are submissive, you will be tolerated. If you have a mind, you will be berated. If you are educated, you will be asked to go back to University. If you are old, you will be up shit-creek. If you are young, you will be encouraged to learn how to speak in a foreign accent. If you are a Sikh, you will become a car salesman. If you speak French, you will be hounded out of all provinces and into Quebec. If you are in Quebec, you will have no great jobs to look forward to. If you are considering quitting a good job in the place you currently are in, we urge you not to. If you are planning to do it for yourself, you are a fool. If you want to do it because your kids might be better off growing up in a western country, you are a fool and don't deserve the one life you have been given to live and are considering sacrificing for your kids. If you are an Indian woman, you will be the flavour of the month. If you are an Indian woman, prepare to be fucked. If you are a Canadian woman, come to India. If you're not a woman, you're fucked. If you have contacts, you will make it anywhere. If you think you'll make more money there, you haven't been looking around you. If you are coming from India, you ought to be in India. If you are not happy in the place you are in, you will not be happy anywhere. If you are happy in the place you are in, you will be happy anywhere. If you can be happy anywhere, why go any place else which is going to be just like anywhere? If you don't like what we've told you about Canada, be thankful, you didn't ask us about Australia. If you think this is the end, it's just the beginning. If you think you can be fully prepared to go to a foreign country, you are wrong. If you are unable to get the drift of our conversation, you deserve to go there and find out for yourself. Go forth and hanker, my child. There's no place better than Canada to help you grow up. Warmly freaking Funcle.