Thursday, August 31, 2006
"I want to write a book. What do you think?" Book Bound
Dear Bound, You don't want to know what we think. There, we've said it. That said, it's time to tell you what we think. You want to write a book? Why? What the fuck for? Who gave you that hair-brained idea? Who planted that iota of unthought in your potato head? What makes you think you can write a book? Don't you know there are many, many, many, fucking many writers who want to write books and never get around to writing them? Don't you know there are many, many, many, fucking many writers who want to write a book and write it and never get around to publishing them? Don't you know how much discipline it takes to write a book? Haven't you read our considered and considerably fucked thoughts on the inconsideration of being that fucking disciplined enough to write a book? If you haven't, we suggest you wait for our book that will never, never, never, fucking never be published and will contain those very same considered thoughts that you will never, never, never, fucking never read. Don't you know that to write a book you have to write something substantial every day? Don't you know that to write a book you have to read at least one book? Don't you know how much more than one book you have to read to write a book? Do you think you can write a book without spending ten times the amount of time it takes to write a book on reading many, many, many, fucking many things apart from books? Don't you know how notoriously hard it is to find a book you can get through? Don't you know your attention span cut to shreds as it probably is by TV and other form of instant distertainment is incapable of reading even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fucking fraction that it takes to write a book? Don't you know there are no topics left worth writing a book on? You probably know all these things, which is why you have come to us. Which makes us wonder, is there any other reason you have come to us? Hmm. Did you by any chance think we will write that book for you? Are you famous? Come to think of it, we might just write that book for you. Are you really famous? Do you have contacts? Are you a superstar? Are you a movie star? Are you an English cricketer? Are you Wayne Rooney in a humble mood? Are you Kevin 'Instant' Pietersen? Are you the next big thing? If you are any of those fellows or someone like one of those fellows with an agent who wants to make you a quick buck by coming out with a book on your incredibly short career full of little achievements, you have every right to write a book about just about anything without writing one. And you have come to the right person. Not only are we a ghost of the person we once used to be, we're more than willing to ghost write any bloody minor achiever's book. Dammit, we'll write any book. Just tell us to write a book. (Please, please, please, fucking please.) You want to write a book? That's a great idea. An even better idea would be to let us write it for you. It doesn't matter if we get no credit for it. It doesn't matter if nobody knows we have written the book for you. If you're charitable enough, as you most certainly seem to be, please add our name to the list of thousand people you'd like to thank for having written your book. That might be the only bloody pathetic way we'll ever write a published book. That might also be the only way you'll write your book. As we had mentioned earlier, everyone wants to write a book. It takes a person with a lot of contacts to eventually write one. In the absence of contacts or any achievement in some other high-profile field, you need sheer writing talent. Obviously, that's not something a loser like you possesses. Why else would you come to a kindred soul like us? Your book bound Agony.