"I'm unable to put on any weight. I'm reed thin. Can you help me?" Slimmer Shady

Dear Slimmer, with a name like that, why worry about your problem? Most people have a very hard time being who they are. Most of the time they're trying their damnest to be someone else. In your case, you have no such issues. You are what you are. What we see is what we get, which might not be very appealing but still at least it's not deceiving. Fact is in this modern fucking it's refreshing to come across somebody who not hidden behind some facade. I'm sure most people have no trouble trusting you. Your problem is really not a problem. On the other hand, if you insist on creating problems for yourself and believing you have a problem, we have no choice but to help you problemise your lack of any problem. And so, reluctantly, we will. We'll start our process of creating problems for you by suggesting you join a gymnasium and discover how hard it is to put on muscle. Once you do that and give up, try and eat a whole bunch of fatty foods. If that doesn't end up clogging your arteries and killing you, it will most certainly give you an upset tummy leaving you even thinner than you already are. We're pretty sure you have tried to do both of what we have just suggested to you. It's what most thin people subject themselves to first. Since you've come to us, which is something people do only when all else fails, we'll give you a few more interesting methods to help you put on some weight. Next up, we urge you to find a rich girl and get her to marry you. What that will do is ensure you don't have to work for anyone or go to work ever. Not going to work will surely reduce your stress levels and that, normally, leads to weight gain. Of course, if you're not going to slog your butt off for your woman, the only rich girl who would be willing to marry you is someone who is very ugly, very deformed or very fucked up, which might make your life into a living hell and ruin any chances of you having any peace of mind so necessary to put on weight. In case you think there is no hope for you, don't lose hope. We're not here for nothing. We have a master stroke that has always worked for people like you. Start telling yourself that you have Marfan's Syndrome. After that, your problem will no longer be a problem. And finally, we'll say this. We're unable to put on any weight. We're reed thin. Can you help us? Empathetically Shady Funcle