Friday, August 25, 2006

"Why doesn't my God drink my milk?" Good Lord

Dear Lord, Let us bray. We have sinned. Many times. And are going to sin. Even more often. Please forgive us, again, for all the sins we have committed. Again. Please show us the path to your abode. Maybe. And thank you for all the milk of human mindless you have bestowed upon us baby. May God be with you. In the name of the Blather, The Broad and The Holy Spirit. Shamen. There, we feel better now. Our Lord told us never to take the his Lord's name is vain. Thank you Lord for letting us devote a little time to our Lord before dealing with your problems with your God, Lord. So Good Lord, you say your God doesn't drink your milk? We shall desist from descending into anything vulgar here beause in Lord we trust. We trust you are giving your God the right kind of milk. Have you checked whether it is pasteurised milk? If so, maybe you should desist from trying to feed the good God processed crap. Reliable sources tell us that The Lord is totally against big corporations and processed foods. While our Lord may not be the same as your God, we'd like to believe that they come from the same selfishly selfless gene and have similar beliefs when it comes to the Arudhatitold evil that big corporations do. Perhaps you should change the brand of milk you are trying to shove down your God's throat or trunk or whichever orifice your God prefers to have his/her/it's milk. In fact, we urge you to not go for another brand of milk. Most brands are promoted with fallacious forms of advertising. They are totally untrustworthy. We urge you to carefully consider purchasing an unbranded, organic cow and housing this said holy animal in your living room. Make it a point to feed this cow you purchase, unbranded, only unbranded and organically grown grass. On a good day, you may try and feed it some tofu too. Tofu is the preferred choice of food for many well-known organic peoples and we're quite sure the cow will take to it ravenously. The cow will also appreciate the sentimentality you will be showing by opting for tofu. You see, tofu is also the preferred meat of these very well known organic peoples. Once your cow is convinced of your organic, eco-friendly and non-meat credentials, it will gladly give you the perfect kind of milk. Needless to say, you must impregnate your cow and force the cow to give birth to a calf. No cow without a calf can ever give any milk. No, we do not encourage you to impregnate the cow. We suggest you stick to the God-given rules of impregnation. Bestiality is not something any God will tolerate under any fucking circumstances. Unless, the devotee happens to be a sheep-farmer. In that case, anything goes. That said, if you, not being a sheep farmer, stoop to such desperate depths of a holely anti-God nature, no matter how good the milk your bestially impregnated cow yields, the Good God above will not drink it. We hope you are taking all this down. It is very important that you follow the correct rituals down to the last teat. The right procedures leading to the perfect teat will provide you the perfectly purest form of milk that no fair, racially sensitive, politically correct, liberal minded God will ever be able to resist. Please keep us posted on how things develop. Enjoy the ride. Gullible, foolish, miracle-crazed people like you deserve a good one. Something us humans are so very capable of providing. Your Silligious Funcle.