"I'm trying to be Charles Bukowski. I need help." Some Charlie

Dear Charlie, You're damn right you need help. How much do you know about Bukowski? Do you know that his gravestone reads "Don't try"? Do you know what that means? It means don't try to be Charles Bukowski. It means don't try something as hare-brained as being like him. His wife, of course, will say it means something far more romantic, but it's best that you pay no attention to his wife because Charles Bukowski never really did. He was a serial womaniser. He didn't care much for women or the institutions that society lays so much emphasis on. He was also a confirmed misanthrope. So, for a start, don't try to be Charles Bukowski. Just be him. He had the right idea of humanity. He knew how much human beings sucked. And so, he drank himself to death. It was the only way he could escape from ugly reality. In the light of your question and all these intimate details about the man we've shared with you, here's what we propose you do. Drink yourself silly. Take a series of jobs you'll never want to keep. Keep a series of jobs you shouldn't take. Hate writing from the bottom of your heart. Love writing from the bottom of your heart. Be conflicted. Don't be conflicted. Be. Don't be. Wallow in self-pity and angst. Play the role of the intense sufferer to the hilt. And pray that someone falls for the crap. In case nobody does, keep at it. It's the only way you'll be able to escape from the mess you willfully got yourself into. Once you start being Bukowski, you'll never manage to be anyone else or anything. It's a journey to the point of no-return. And one you cannot return from. Every time you try not be like Bukowski, you will be reminded of the many reasons you should be like him. Every time you try to take up a regular job, you'll hate yourself for it. Every time you go back to being with normal people, you'll want to drink yourself back into the stupor away from normalcy. We firmly believe anyone who doesn't try to be like Charles Bukowski needs help. This is not to say anyone who tries to be like Bukowski doesn't need help. On the contrary, everyone who tries to be like Bukowski needs all the help and encouragement he or she can get to be more like Bukowski. And that's what we're here to provide you with. Here are a few more tips on how to be Bukowski, and more. Try mescaline. Try pot. Try heroin. Try mindfuck. Better still, don't, as the great man would say, try. Just do the whole fucking shebang. Once you've done 'em all, you'll see all too clearly why there's no point trying to be like Charles Bukowski. Rather, it's best to be Charles Bukowski. Dead. And you will be. Before you know it. Happily. Always encouraging Agony.