Wednesday, August 23, 2006

"We need a name for our baby. Any thoughts?" Thotless Couple

Dear Couple, A couple of things, think more. And then, think Brangelina. Think neologisms. Think Puri. Think Fury. Think Suri. Think about the future. Think IBM. No, don't think IBM. Think about what people will say. Think about the atom bomb. Think about the end of the world. Think about birth certificates. Think about fucking school admissions. Think about unfortunately named people. Think Dicks. Think Pussy Galore. Think. Think. Think. And if you still can't think of anyhing, think no more. You've come to the right place, we think. Great, now that we've got all that uneccessary thinking out of the way, time for a real good unthink and some thoughtless advice. Quick question, why not kill the baby and save yourself all this thinking? Not only will you save yourself the thinking, you will also save yourself a ton of money. Not only only will you save yourself a ton of money, you will also save yourself the trouble of dealing with a whole load of shit. I'm telling you babies, babies shit a load. So why deal with baby shit? You've got a shitload of shit to deal with in life anyway. You've got to make sure your spouse doesn't stray. You've got to make sure the housework gets done while the two of you are at work and trying to stray. You've got to think about what a pain the baby will be when you two get fucking sick of each other and want to end the coupling. You've got to think about who's fucking you guys when the baby is keeping you up all night and depriving you of sex with each other. You've got to, never mind, you really should get rid of the baby. Don't believe us? Here's more shit to make you. On second thoughts, let's not. Let's give you some encouraging shit to save the baby. Hmm...ahem...well...damn it! Looks like we can't think of a single reason you should keep the damn critter. What were we thinking? Oh yeah, keep the baby. Babies make great toys. You can manipulate the critter and try to make him/her what you never were or will ever be. You can fuck with the kid's mind. You can home-school the baby and make sure the outside world doesn't get a chance to mess with the kid, while you're messing with it. You can blackmail the kid into believing it owes you guys for the wonderful life it is going to live. You can also plump your hopes of an insurance policy in your old age on the kid when it grows us. Right, we see lots of good reasons to keep the baby. That apart, the baby is perhaps the only thing you can call your very own in this world. Everything else is just an illusion of ownership. The baby is not. The baby is your flesh and blood. The baby is you. And the damn baby will be the reason you will be torn apart and forced to stay together. What a ball of joy it will turn out to be. You really must think of a nice name for it. Don't waste your time coming to a fool like us for ideas on such sweet little things. You had the bloody baby. You thought about it, we hope, before deciding to have one. Now go and bloody think about it some more. Do us, and the baby, a favour. Give the poor child a nice name. God knows you haven't done it any favours by bringing it into this stinking, fucked up world. Oh and one more thing, the ball of flesh has got to live up to the name you people give it. So don't go and think of something morose like Agony. Thank you for asking. Please come again. Your baby's loving Funcle.