"I can't get along with anyone. I'm very lonely. Please help me." Alone Ranger

Dear Alone, You are not alone. Remember, the world is full of lonely losers like you, who probably don't like you or, for that matter, themselves. Keep that thought for company. That thought apart, there are plenty of things you can do to alleviate your suffering. The first thing you ought to do is stop looking at it as a suffering. Try and get joy out of being alone. If that doesn't work, think of what you enjoy doing and make it your hobby. Do you enjoy blogging? You'll find plenty of company in the lonely world of blogging. Do you enjoy talking to yourself? There's nothing like talking to yourself to forget about how lonely you are. Moreover, our vast experience tells us there are few things more enjoyable than the sound of your own voice, especially when you are with yourself. No, make that only when you are with yourself. If that doesn't work, you need help. The reassuring thing is, you've come to the right place. Keep talking to me. Initially, I won't charge you, but if you get on my nerves, I'll take you to the cleaners. Then again, you seem to be a kind of person who's quite disgusting to be around, so I'll give you some more ideas that'll make sure you don't get anywhere near me or other people, and yet will never feel the absence of them. Have you ever tried jerking off? Chances are, that's all you probably do. In which case, try and jerk-off to a different person every time you jerk off. This way, you'll think you've got a whole fucking world of attractive people at your beck and call. If that doesn't work, take up writing. Not only will it make you think you're very creative, it'll end up frustrating you so much that you'll kill yourself. Killing yourself normally is a very good way to stop being lonely. Some of the most famous basketcases in the world have ended their lonely tryst with life by killing themselves. You're sure to meet them once you go the same way. Enjoy the trip. Funcle.