Saturday, August 26, 2006

"There is no match-fixing in cricket. What should I do?" Thuggies Adda

Dear Thuggies, Naam ho toh, appke jaisa. Wah, wah, what a lovely name you've given yourselves there. Rawther appropriate too, we say. Ne'er a truer name spoken. Being Thuggies, Sirs, you're trying to convince us that there is no match-fixing in cricket? Sirs, kya Sirs? Give us another one, Sirs. Chalo Sirs, for agony's sake we'll assume there is no match-fixing in cricket. What about fancy fixing? Chalo for agony's sake, we will assume there is no fancy-fixing in cricket? What about management-fixing? Chalo for agony's sake, we will assume there is no management-fixing? What about micro-fixing? Chalo for agony's sake, we will assume there is no micro-fixing. What about commercial-fixing? Chalo for your sake, we will assume there is no match-fixing in cricket. Let us now try to fix your problem. So what should you do when there is no match-fixing in cricket? Hmm, how about nothing? How about letting teams play to their true potential? How about not worrying about which section of the audience needs to be entertained? How about not scheduling matches as per the whims and fancies of the television channels? How about not confusing people with technology that is meant to hide and not reveal? How about taking the legalese out of cricket? How about not bending backwards to please certain lobbies? How about not changing rules to suit certain countries? How about not doing all that's wrong to make chuckers medically passed bowlers? How about not turning cricket into a business? How about taking a few steps back to the days when cricket was a sport? How about bringing the gentlemen back into the gentlemen's game? How about turning it back into a game it was from the game it has become? How about not asking us questions the answers for which you don't want to hear? How about not gagging people who want to speak the truth? Obviously, we're not being very helpful with this train of thought, are we? We'll try and do better with the next. Isn't it nice that there is no match-fixing in cricket? Isn't it nice that everything is fair and square in the great game? Isn't it nice that transparency has so transparently been restored to the great game? Isn't it nice that people are being entertained so truthfully? Isn't it nice that the spectators are not being taken for a ride? You should be proud of yourself, Sirs. You have done your job. You have restored the bismirched name to the fair game it used to be. Ulp, excuse us. What we meant was you should be proud that the fair name has been restored to the bismirched game it used to be. Umm, well...oh, never mind the semantics and the sarcastics. All that matters, is that the people watching the game are happy. The people playing the game are happy. Everyone is happy. Why are you pretending to be unhappy? Ah, we see why you are pretending to be unhappy. As true businessmen, you must wonder how else can the game be milked for more money. No worries, Sirs. You have taken some wonderful steps in the right direction. For instance, this 20/20. It's a gambler's dream. Place all your bets on it. Devote all your energies to it. Lure all the gullible people to it. Make it the horse-racing of cricket. It is the horse racing of cricket. It's a version of the game that's less about pure skill and more about taking chances. It's where the bookies, the players and the gamblers can make, even, more money. It's the casino royale of cricket. You are doing all that needs to be done, Sirs. Happy Sirs? Thank you for taking the mickey out of us. Thank you for wasting our time. Thank you for reminding us how powerful you are. Thank you for taunting us with your rhetorical question. Now please wipe that faeces off your smirks. And don’t come to us with your specious questions. This is a place for serious problems that deserve serious looking at for even seriouser answers. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask us. No thanks for asking. Yours impotently, Funcle.