"My only father is dying. I don't know what to do?" Only Son

Dear Son, We're glad you chose to write to us during this difficult time in your life. We feel honoured that you think we might be able to help you. Though, we wonder what we can say to make you feel better. We assume, you're writing to us as a last resort. Unfortunately, it's what most people do. Still, we're here to help you. You've probably been to all the doctors in the land and outside. They've probably pumped your father with all kinds of poisons they call medicines. Chances are, you've helped them kill your father by overdosing him with all the medicines they most certainly would have prescribed. You don't have to share the gory details with us, but we're pretty sure that the doctors who said they would be able to save your father are probably holidaying, as we speak, in the Bahamas or some such exotic desifuckingnation. We wish them the worst we can imagine. And more. We can understand why you have come to us. They alongwith all your friends and relatives have most likely abandoned you. Don't worry, they'll be back for a piece of the pie once your father is gone, ready as ever to offer their help and support when you need it least. In the meantime, let's see what we can do to make your life a little less miserable. What you must try and do is everything to make your sad father happy. In case you are still single, we advise you to add to your misery by getting married. Your father will be very pleased if you do so. He may not say it, but he will be. How do we know? We just do. You see, most Indian parents consider getting their children married off to be the ultimate achievement of their lives. They find it very hard to die in peace without ruining your life before leaving theirs. We urge you to sacrifice your freedom, your desires, your future and your dreams at the altar of your father's impending death. So what if his life is almost over? That shouldn't come in the way of you ruining yours. You must do it for him. If you don't, his soul will not rest in piece. Never. God fucking knows what that means, but since it's what the fucking wise men and old fucking fogeys of our land say, it must be bloody true. For the sake of his intangible and unprovable soul, please do get married. In case that's not something your dying father has asked you to do, don't stop yourself from doing it. Everyfuckingone wil tell you that even if your father hasn't asked you to do it, it's definitely what he would like you to do. And if you don't do it, they will blame you for your father's untimely and unahppy death. How they know these things, we don't fucking know. We just know. Once you decide to get married, it'll be time for you to die. After that, you won't have to do anything for your father. You will be on your way to join him. Isn't that what you want? Never to see your father go? Always to be with him? Exactly. Don't wait too long to do what it takes to make your father feel like he has done what he is suposed to do for his son. And if you do what we're advising you to, if you're very lucky, you'll be gone before him. Frankly fucked Funcle.