"I'm greedy. I'm desperate. I need help. Help!" Hungry Mouth

Dear Mouth, We don't know how to say it, so we'll say it the only way we don't know how to. Go easy. It's not that hard to solve your problem. Put simply, it's easy. As easy as one, two, three, four and five, actually. One: If you're greedy for sex, find a whore. Pay her. Or him. If you like her, or him, stick with her. Or him. Try and find an expensive whore. Don't let her, or him, out of your sight. Very soon, you'll have no money. And then, you won't have her. Or him. That'll leave you completely shattered. After that, you won't have the balls to be greedy. S/he'll be gone with them. Two: If you're greedy for money, go straight to the stock exchange. Follow the market. Wait. Don't invest right away. Wait for some more time. Look around. The only people you'll see, are people making money. The only people who will be talked about, are people making money. The only people who will talk, are people making money. Not just small money, but hand-over-fist kind of money. Wait. Wait till you can't wait any longer. Wait till everyone you know is making money. Wait till everyone you know and don't know has made money. Then, jump in when the lure is irresistible. By then, the market will have made everyone money and will be preparing for the downturn. And you'll be the poor sucker caught in the downturn, losing money. Not just money, but hand-over-fist money. Of course, you won't know what to do with this sudden downturn of events. As a result, you'll end up very shattered and very suicidal. Of course, you won't give up. You'll throw more money after bad money. And lose more money. Not just more money, but more hand-over-fist money. After that, you won't have the balls to be greedy; they'll be making their way down your mouth to form a lump or two in your throat. That should cure you of your greed for money. Three: If it's stability you crave for, take up a job. Do all that it takes to stick to it. Suck up to the people around you. Rub your nose into the ground for that fucking salary they pay you at the end of the month. Do it long enough to get used to the stability of a fucking salary. After that, you'll be so mindfucked, let alone greed, you won't have the fucking hunger for anything in life. Better still, you'll be dead. In our life experience, that is a surefire way to end greed. Four: Try and identify what, exactly, is it that you so crave for. If you think hard enough, you'll see that there are too many bloody things you're greedy for. Think a little harder and the list will just keep lengthening. Think for some more time and you'll be so discouraged by the number of things human beings like you crave for that you'll hate yourself. Once you hate yourself, you won't want anything. Not even yourself. End of greed. Five: You're greedy for knowledge. Yeah, right. What crock! Fine, maybe you are so foolish that you're greedy for knowledge. Well, seek it. Read. Talk to people. Read. Collect bookmarks. Read. Join a library. Read. Think deeply about things. Read. Understand the way the world works. Read. Train yourself to be an intelligent person of knowledge. Read. Grow wise with your knowledge. Read. And then try to apply it. You'll be snubbed, kicked, ridiculed, slapped, booted out and rejected. And rejected. And rejected. And fucking rejected. Post that, we can bet you won't feel the need for any of that crap greed for knowledge or any knowledge at all. If none of this seems remotely like the greed you're greedy for, maybe you're just greedy for answers to everything in life. In that case, keep coming back to us. Our answers are sure to leave you so dazed and confused that you won't have any more questions. Any questions? Thought so. Incidentally, we hope it's not food that you are hungry for. If so, we apologise profusely for the callousness. Please do visit us. We're a great cook. We'll take care of it. And shut your grubby mouth. It's, perhaps, the only thing we know how to take care of. Your unstomachable Funcle.